Stages of Relationships

I'm going to provide a review of the stages of relationships, providing an example which will help you to prepare the coinciding application assignment. Keep in mind that my example concerns a long-term intimate relationship. There are many other types of relationships which follow the stages we are studying. Also keep in mind, that the example is told from my perspective. I understand that there is another side to this story, but when you and I do analyses like these, we are often limited to our own perspective. I can only do my best to be fair. Nothing I write is intended to be critical of my friend.

It is possible, but of course not imperative, that relationships travel through ten stages from initiating to terminating. We may seem to jump back and forth through the stages when we are in the relationship, but the general stages become clearer when we gain some distance and perspective. It is also true that one stage tends to flow into another. For the sake of analysis, we can often find events which represent the change from one stage to another.

Initiating stage--meeting the other person. The first stage can be very short. You can be introduced at a social gathering or as part of a work group; greet the stranger you see in your school, neighborhood, or church; or respond to a message in an Internet chat room. However, the stage can be long. For example, in my case, I had known who Brenda in high school, but it wasn't until Christmas vacation in my sophomore at college that we first talked. She was then a senior in high school. I approached her at a club and asked her to a New Year's Eve party. This ended a long initiating stage.
Experimenting stage--small talk, testing topics. After initiating, people move into experimenting. they want to know whether they have any basis for a long-term relationship with the other person and on what basis the relationship might exist. This stage can be very long. Talking with the person superficially at work, school, church, or chat room could last for years. In my example, the stage was quite short. We engaged in small talk for a week leading up to the date: I told Brenda the story of my black eye, and we discussed how cold the Michigan winter was.
Intensifying stage--developing commonalities. Friendships begin to intensify as people begin to build on common interested and needs: Students taking the same classes, neighbors having kids the same age, employees working well together. Brenda and I were quickly attracted to each other. We were both coming off relationships. We knew each other's former partner. After the New Year's Eve party we went over to her house (she was living at home with her parents), and we talked throughout the night. I had breakfast with her parents. For the next eight months, we wrote letters or phoned each other frequently. Our intensifying stage lasted until the beginning of the next school year.
Integrating stage--lives begin to share structure. After friends begin to feel closer, they begin to count on doing things together. Students might meet to study. Church members might volunteer for the same activities. Coworkers might ask for the same shift. I was entering my junior year at the University of Michigan, and Brenda was starting college at Michigan State, about 70 miles up the freeway. I drove over to see her in East Lansing at least every other weekend. Our time was spent continuing to get to know each other, studying together, and discussing our courses. Our integrating stage lasted for two years until I graduated with a BA in Speech.
Bonding stage--symbolic commitment. The integrating stage does not necessarily move into bonding. Two people could work closely with each other at the same job until retirement without feeling that there was a relationship commitment. Probably all of us have life-long friends with whom we don't share a commitment. On the other hand, special relationships move eventually to bonding. Bonding can take many symbolic forms: Rituals, mutual history, intimacy, or even a legal contract, like a business partnership. Brenda and I moved home and got married. I was hired as a teacher and debate coach at the home town high school, and she took some time off from college to take care of her mother.
Differentiating stage--reestablishing individuality. After the bonding stage, it is healthy to do some differentiating. Most relationships thrive on a balance of intimacy and distance. People gain strength from a relationship to deal effective with the outside world, and because they are individuals they have much from the outside to bring back into the relationship. Many couples who stay married for fifty years and more have achieved this balance. It's not that they don't have problems, but the commitment they share keeps them strong as a couple. I turned my attention to learning how to teach, and Brenda spent a lot of time with her mother. However, we were best friends, talking about everything that we were experiencing outside the relationship. She helped coach the debate team, and she traveled with us to tournaments as a judge. This continued for three years. Brenda's mother's health improved, and we decided to go back to college.
Circumscribing stage--distance and tension. If friends stop putting the needed energy back into the relationship or if they begin to lose some of those things which initially attracted them to each other, tensions begin to develop. Brenda and I went to Central Michigan University to finish her BA and for me to start an MA program. These were stimulating years, as we both grew tremendously. We continued to discuss everything we were going through. The tensions began to develop concerning feminism and socialism. Brenda was developing a social consciousness which saw white men as oppressors. While she never accused me of being an oppressor, we could see ourselves growing in different directions. This tension developed for about seven years. We finished our degrees, I got a community college teaching position in central Wisconsin, and Brenda added a Master's degree in library science at the University of Minnesota.
Stagnating stage--superficial routine. Often the tension in a relationship grows so strong that partners find themselves going through the motions. The rituals have lost their meaning and create more resentment. Brenda and I did not go through this stage. We were always each other's best friend. We talked about everything. Ironically, this allowed us to see that the end of the marriage was coming. One evening when I was talking with a mutual friend, Carol, in our kitchen while Brenda was at work, I said that I thought that Brenda's feminist beliefs could lead her to have an intimate relationship with a women. Shortly afterward, Carol and Brenda became intimate. The end of the marriage was not far off.
Avoiding stage--alternating fight and flight. The tensions in the stagnating stage continue to grow and lead to some combination of fight and flight. Individuals might start working long hours or take another shift so they won't be around their partners. Arguments explode and escalate. Sometimes partners move back and forth between making up for brief periods of time, only to explode again. Brenda and I fought more, as we tried desperately to save the friendship even as we recognized the marriage needed to end. We both experienced great pain because of the strong love we had developed over our years together and our intense history of mutual growth and friendship.
Terminating stage--breaking off or letting go. If the tensions cannot be resolved, relationships terminate sooner or later. Sometimes friends get together (often over dinner) and make the decision to end it. Other times, avoiding just happens one last time and the former friends don't see each other again. Often the nature of the relation changes, as when couples with children divorce, but still share the raising of the children in separate households. Brenda and I got divorced. That was over twenty years ago. She is still with Carol, and we communicate occasionally, especially at birthdays. I let her know when my mother died recently. This was one of the most important relationships in my life. I have shared it with you because it such a good example of the relationship stages.

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